Bikini Bloodbath
directed by Jonathan Gorman, Thomas Edward Seymour
(Blood Bath, 2006)

How can you go wrong with a movie called Bikini Bloodbath? Just ask the guys responsible for this movie. Despite seemingly covering all of the essential Bs (blood, babes, bikinis and booze), Blood Bath Pictures pretty much laid an egg with this one.

Yes, it does have a few funny moments, but overall this film proves more annoying than entertaining. I have enjoyed a few horror comedy spoofs in my time, but Bikini Bloodbath just isn't one of them. It's too gimmicky, too dumb and too short -- the film itself is barely an hour, with an insufferable music video and some bloopers tacked on after that. Speaking of music, it's pretty rough going on several occasions. Music from the 1980s is the best, but bad '80s music is the worst, and this film is dripping with the latter. You will hear a few tunes you recognize, such as "Footloose," but the lyrics and song titles themselves have been rewritten specifically for this film -- that's a good thing because trying to understand the words can momentarily distract you from thinking about just how awful this film is.

I daresay there's not a B-movie horror fan who is unfamiliar with the work of Debbie Rochon, which is probably why she gets top billing here, despite the fact that her role (as a high school gym teacher with an eye for the young ladies) is actually a rather minor one. That leaves it up to all of the younger actresses to carry the load, and only a couple of them prove themselves up to the task. Let me just say that Bikini Bloodbath is not a showcase for great acting and leave it at that.

Ah yes, the plot. After a spirited game of volleyball and a shower in the girls' locker room, both of which featured plenty of insults to Smelly Suzy, the girls plan a slumber party at Jenny's (Leah Ford) house. Not to be outdone, the football players (we know they're football players because all of them are wearing t-shirts saying "Football Player") plan a party of their own. Sure, there's a murderer on the loose in the area, but no one seems overly concerned about that -- with the obvious exception of the couple of people we see murdered by The Chef (we know he's "The Chef" because -- aw, forget it). As the girls finally don those bikinis the title promised and head out to the hot tub, the guys' party becomes such a grab-ass affair that a couple of them bail and head out for the girls' house. The guys they leave behind should really be playing powder-puff football rather than real football, if you know what I mean -- I may never look at a game of Twister the same way again. Finally, The Chef (Robert Cosgrove Jr.) turns up and starts mouthing stupid culinary catch phrases as he picks the characters off one by one (starting with the hottest of the girls -- the cad). Trapped inside the house with no phone service, the girls do the only thing they can do -- indulge in strawberry daiquiris.

Bikini Bloodbath is every bit the slasher spoof, so you pretty much know to expect a really stupid story -- and that is exactly what you get. Don't expect to see a lot of gore, despite the title's reference to a bloodbath. Do expect to see reasonably attractive young women in bikinis, plenty of old-school juvenile humor and a lot of bad acting. More often than not, that kind of combination entertains me, but there's just some sort of vacuous quality to this film that left me nonplussed. Some will no doubt find the movie much funnier than I did.

review by
Daniel Jolley

19 June 2010

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