The Susquehanna Pirate
(sung to the tune of "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate")

I used to be a farmer and I made a living fine,
I had a little stretch of land along the Lebanon line
But though I tried and tried, the money wasn't there
And bankers came and took my land and told me fair was fair.
(Mean bankers!)

I looked for every kind of job, the answer always no!
"Hire you now?" they always said. "We just let 20 go."
The government, they promised me a measely little sum
But I got too much pride to end up just another bum.

So I thought who gives a darn if poverty draws near,
I'm gonna be the Susquehanna's greatest buccaneer.

CHORUS:
And it's a heave-HO high-HO sail at early morn,
Stealing ripe tobacco and silver queen white corn.
And it's a ho-HEY way-HEY, farmers bar your doors
When you see the Jolly Roger off the Susquehanna shores.

Well, you'd think the local farmers would know that I'm at large,
But just the other day I sank an unprotected barge.
I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser,
I rammed their ship and sank it and I stole their fertilizer.

A bridge outside of Columbia spans the mighty river,
Farmers cross in so much fear their stomachs are a-quiver,
'Cause they know that Shoofly Jake is waiting for some fun --
I'll jump the bridge and steal their beans and leave 'em there with none.

CHORUS

The pirate life's appealing and it calls to seamen true
I hear the Conestoga's home to many a pirate crew
They sail their way through Intercourse, Gap and Bird-in-Hand
And you're bound to lose your chow-chow if you cross their merry band.

A ship, a sword, a skull & bones and very little stress,
I never pay my income tax, and screw the IRS!
From Harrisburg to Havre de Grace I leave 'em high and dry,
But, boys, I ain't no dummy, I steer clear of TMI!

CHORUS

The state police can't catch us, their boats are awful slow,
And when the wind's against us, watch our Flyin' Dutchmen row!
Last week they almost caught us when we came into the dock,
So now we keep a lookout posted up on Chickies Rock.

We never pay our hotel bill, we always steal the towels.
At night we slip ashore, have a beer and tip some cows.
But soon I hear the river call, it's time to sail once more,
The tobacco fleet is moving, so let's hear each pirate ROAR!

CHORUS

discontinued verse:

Then Northern Suffolk came and they battened down the track
And said no one could cross their rail and no one could come back.
My sailing days, they may be done, and for my ship I pine
'Cause the Susquehanna's littered with their 'No Trespassing' sign!

And now I'm sitting landbound, without my trusty ship.
I hijack Amish buggies but it's seldom worth the trip.
But someday soon I hope to see my colors flying high
O'er the Susquehanna River, where a pirate lad am I!

Lyrics by Tom Knapp,
tune and inspiration by the Arrogant Worms (used with permission).