All abuse is insidious. The woman who burns her children in the bathwater, the man who hits his wife with a broom, the father who comes to his daughters in the night -- abuse's common themes are enough to both sicken and frighten the most staunch realist.

In Patricia Evans' The Verbally Abusive Relationship, another type of abuse is profiled. One that doesn't leave noticeable scars, and that only kills the soul, not the body. Verbal abuse is a subject not often talked about, and even more rarely identified -- the lack of evidence makes it difficult to "pin" on any person.

My ex-husband was a jerk. Among his litany of sins was sleeping with my best friend while I was at home for my father's death and subsequent funeral, and carrying on via e-mail with a woman who listed her sexual conquests on her webpage (and eventually moving in with her. He, however, is not listed as one of those conquests, oddly enough).

It's safe to say that I had a low self-esteem at the time, and though my ex never laid a hand on my body, he had other ways of keeping me, unquestioningly, in my "place." Once every few months, almost like clockwork, inevitably when I'd start getting on my feet, he'd scream at me. It would start with small things, about valid issues and things I'd done "wrong," and would escalate. Once, after a nine-hour session of laundry-listing my mistakes and refusing to take any responsibility for any of the things he had done, he stopped to tell me that "even like this [tears running down from my red eyes, nose like Rudolph], you're beautiful."

As expected, this carried over into my next relationship -- one with a man as polar opposite as you could get from my ex. Except that this time, some of his very words were coming out of my mouth. I'd reversed roles.

On the urging of a friend, I picked up The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Before I'd even hit the first chapter, I'd identified several of the themes of verbal abuse in my life, and even recognized a few that I'd integrated -- pulling them so close in an attempt to understand them that I'd started doing them myself. I was ashamed, sickened and, suddenly, painfully aware of the cycle.

I owe a lot to this book. Patricia Evans consistently gives credibility to women in this situation -- something we as a society often don't do. It targets women (though she mentions that men are also victims, and can benefit in that case), and explains how a massacre of the self is carried out in secret, since the aggressor often does nothing around other people, confusing the issue and the victim.

I won't lie -- there is a professional victim complex in this country right now, and this book will be like fuel to the fire for anyone looking for that kind of sympathy. Due to its accessibility and plain, non-psychobabble language, it's a haven for psychological hypochondriacs -- and for that reason, I'd keep it away from anyone of that type. (You generally know them when you meet them -- they all have the "psychosis of the moment.")

The Verbally Abusive Relationship is also littered here and there with a liberal dose of cheese -- the self-help style that not only sounds corny, but IS corny. And they aren't few or far-between, either. The key is to pick and choose -- finding the veins of gold underneath the mush. And they are there, if you look.

For women who are genuinely frightened or confused, however, this book can be like a lifeline, even in retrospect. It's through these pages that I realized that this kind of abuse is not normal, is not healthy, and should not be propogated. There are very clear, concise techniques for dealing with those in your life that are handing out the abuse -- ones that could just as easily be used on that overly-demanding boss or constantly deprecating parent.

If you or someone you know is being treated this way, you should know this: Although not all verbal abusers turn into physical abusers, it is a commonly held belief that ALL physical abusers do start with verbal abuse. By allowing your mate (or yourself) to slip into an abusive pattern, you could be opening the door for types of terror that you never knew existed within that person.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship can show you that it's not all right, and that you can stop it. Reading it is a good place to start.

[ by Elizabeth Badurina ]
Rambles: 29 September 2001