Mega Python vs. Gatoroid,
directed by Mary Lambert
(Asylum, 2011)

Painkillers can make you do stupid things.

Take for instance a recent afternoon when I was lazing around the house, numb from prescription meds following surgery. My energy level allowed little more than watching TV, and the instant queue on my Netflix account was running low. I was browsing new releases when I found Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.

And, oh my god, it stars Debbie Gibson and Tiffany, a pair of teen idols from the 1980s who, I guess, aren't making enough from shopping mall appearances and Playboy residuals. How could I not sit and watch this made-for-SyFy movie, which wasted no time in going to video? And I wasn't disappointed -- because my expectations, meds aside, were so very, very low.

Tiffany is Terry O'Hara, a pudgy sheriff in the Everglades. Debbie is Dr. Nikki Riley, a skin-and-bones environmental activist. When Nikki releases pythons into the wild that, for whatever reason, grow swiftly and begin killing the gators (and a dog), Terry confiscates some local experimental steroids to beef up the gators so they can eradicate the snakes. Soon, giant pythons and gators are everywhere, eating each other and whatever people they can find at every turn.

Through it all, the two aging pop stars maintain a tongue-in-cheek animosity towards one another, eventually evolving into a very public, pie-throwing cat fight despite the carnage all around them.

Everything about this movie is awful, from the "science" that drives the plot to the acting, the script and the horrible computer-generated monsters. And yet, I laughed to see it -- no one involved in the production was taking it seriously, so why should I?

Oh, would you believe Micky Dolenz from the Monkees found time for a cameo?

review by
Tom Knapp

23 July 2011

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