Can we please stop talking about M. Night Shyamalan as a "master" or "genius" already? The man hasn't made a good movie since The Sixth Sense. Most one-hit wonders just disappear, but Shyamalan just keeps coming back. Fortunately, The Happening isn't as bad as, say, Lady in the Water, and Shyamalan doesn't cast himself as the enlightened genius who will save the day as he did in that perniciously bad film. Still, if you screened this film to an audience without telling them it's a Shyamalan film, there's a 62% chance every one of them would hate it (hey, if a character in the movie can give something a 62 percent probability of happening or not happening without any evidence whatsoever at his disposal, I can do the same thing -- in fact, I am going to start using the word Shyamalan as a verb meaning to fudge numbers in a vain attempt to make yourself look smart).

So what happens in The Happening? Not a whole heck of a lot. New York City finds itself the epicenter of a terrifying and mysterious attack by a biological or chemical agent that makes everyone it comes in contact with kill himself or herself. The squeamish should not be concerned in the slightest, as people somehow manage to cut their own jugular veins, jump off of tall buildings and even shoot themselves in the head without actually bleeding. You would think mass suicide on such an unprecedented scale would leave the big cities swimming in blood and gore, but no -- all Shyamalan gives us is a bunch of dummies strewn about the landscape. When others talk about how frightening some of the scenes are, I have to wonder if we actually watched the same movie. I guess a couple of scenes might prove disturbing to young children, but I see no reason for this film receiving an R rather than a PG-13 rating.

Mark Wahlberg plays a New York City biology teacher who joins the masses of people calmly evacuating the city (yep, millions of New Yorkers flee town without even a single incidence of pushing and shoving) with his wife, a buddy and that buddy's little girl. Elliott (Wahlberg) and his wife Alma (Zooey Deschanel) make for an odd couple. I don't know what was up with Alma, but half the time it seems like she and Elliott had just met. John Leguizamo plays Elliott's buddy, but Leguizamo is totally wasted on the part. Anyway, Elliott and his crew end up on the run, trying to find the most isolated of areas to hide out in (by this point, Elliott has a hunch or two as to what is actually going on).

I guess the "big twist" this time around is the lack of a big twist. Shyamalan should really consider hiring someone to write his endings for him, as the ending of The Happening just sort of lays there like a dead fish -- a smelly dead fish. The end result is a movie that only Al Gore could love (for reasons that will become clear if you see the film) -- even though I half suspect that even he would find it boring in places. The best thing I can say about The Happening is that it's not quite as bad as Lady in the Water.